He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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