i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
