so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
