I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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