you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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