I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
