So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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