I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
