I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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