as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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