I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
