Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
