the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
