totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
