I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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