Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
