You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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