Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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