I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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