seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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