The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
