a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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