It's Friday. Sex?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
