The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
