whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
