the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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