She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
