Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
