Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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