naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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