The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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