i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
