I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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