Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
