I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
even my farts smell like vagina
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
