He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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