i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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