I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
