and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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