Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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