Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think a kid would responsible me up
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
