Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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