Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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