I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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