she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
