Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
