Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Randomize
