Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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