She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
