I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
