What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
