I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
